


a sadness runs through him

by Whouffle



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 05:16:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15041558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whouffle/pseuds/Whouffle
Summary: rintarou okabe has troubles balancing the good and the bad in his life. especially after the murder of the one closest to him, he finds it hard to cope but, there's a light at the end of every tunnel.(set in steins;gate 0)





	a sadness runs through him

Rintarou Okabe was a special human. Or at least, the experiences he went through were. Most, if not any, human could say that  they were stuck in essentially a time loop of watching their childhood friend die. It was soul breaking and a task bigger than the then 18 year old could handle. He had managed to luckily end it but at the sacrifice of someone he had began to love.

The problem with finicky timelines is that he had all these memories of all his lab members but none of them really knew Kurisu Makise as more than a genius stabbing victim. Not to mention the few that knew who her real attacker was. He could only dream of forgetting the act in the dark room.  

As he closed his eyes, he could remember every sensation perfectly. His heart pounding as he grabbed the weapon and ran towards Nakabachi but couldn’t break fast enough when he heard the small ‘Stop!’. Then came the sickening crunch sound as the blade of the weapon met her flesh and he suddenly felt a warm sensation spread across his fingers. He could perfectly remember how the feeling of something heavy yet foreign was in his arms and the words Nakabachi spoke that seemed like a blur. The words that escaped Kurisu’s lips were pleas to no one but God to survive this, but they both knew it was for naught. He had pressed her weak body against his and felt her heartbeat for it's last moments against his rapid one. When she spoke her last plea, all that remained was a sharp ring in his ears and a nauseating feeling in his entire body.

Rintarou’s stomach curled and he felt his chest tied up in knots as he instinctively reached for the pills in his pockets. He popped two of his anti anxiety meds and reflexively cringed as they touched his tongue.

It  had been months, yet he was still like this when he thought of her death. He was getting better at least. Just thinking of time travel or seeing Suzuha would bring upon unpleasant thoughts of watching Mayuri’s body being riddled with holes by the police or turned into jelly or crushed by a train or it be-

I need to get out, he thought to himself, suddenly standing up. But where to go? Maybe he’d go visit Maho. He reached into his pocket and quickly texted asking if it were okay to come by the office. He never knew what type of stuff they really did and he didn't want to happen to stumble upon something big one day.

He sat on the edge of his bed as he awaited a reply. This became his life, he thought to himself. He felt his heart rate lower and feel calmer as the pills kicked in. He was once someone who was … at least enjoyed in the company of others. As Hououin Kyouma he knew people found the persona annoying but lovable, to say the least. It was definitely more fun to dramatic and add flair to his lifestyle, rather than the one he lived currently. He gave it up because it was just too much, he didn’t feel as if he deserved it. He looked at his phone for what felt like the 35th time and laid back down into bed.

This was going to take a while.

Thinking about what happened with Kurisu always took energy out of him. According to his therapist, he should balance it out by exhaling the bad memories and try to think of more positive moments he had with the person, because of course he was not going to tell him who it was. As he waited on Maho, he decided to dwell on a particularly sweet one in one of the many timelines he had experienced.

 

* * *

 

It had been a quiet day in the lab, everyone was out retrieving material and decided they did not really need Rintarou, much to his chagrin. Kurisu, of course, stayed back as she had felt awkward joining along anyways. The pair sat in the main room of the lab with nothing but the sound of some tv show Rintarou mindlessly watched while the red head read a published theory in order to gain more information to be more useful. They didn’t really talk which was surprising to Kurisu, as Okabe was always one to run his mouth at random. Her feet rested on the table near Okabe’s head and the brief thought of kicking him ran through her mind which made her involuntarily laugh.

“What’s so funny, Assistant?” Okabe asked, turning around to face the laughing girl. His reaction only caused more laughter which caused him to shove her feet off the table.

“Hey!”

“It is only what you deserve for laughing out of nowhere like a madman.”

“You call me the mad one?” Kurisu asked, hand gripping the book she was holding. Rintarou glanced down at the size of it and stood up immediately to have the upper ground. He went to sit on the couch next to her so it’d be easier to block her attacks, obviously. Kurisu had different ideas as her face turned red and she suddenly smacked his arm with the book.

“What do you think that you’re doing?”

“Sitting on the couch, what is it illegal now?”

“I don't trust you to not try and cuddle with me like some pervert.”

“My dear Kurisutina, is that some thinly veiled attempt at a confession? No matter, your flirting is naught to the great Hououin Kyouma!” He said as he leaned his head back to laugh. Kurisu’s grip on the book tightened.

“If you want to remember your name, I suggest you shut up.”

“Got it.” He peered at the title of the book she was holding. “Trying to get better, eh?”

“I actually wanted to show you a part I think you’d find interesting,” she said, opening the book and flipping back to where she had dog eared the top of the page. He scooted closer to her, and she held the book in between the two. “The part’s right here,” she pointed out and Okabe began to read and Kurisu suddenly become aware of the body heat he radiated. Her face turned red and she moved her hair to create a curtain between their faces so she could hide hers.

It inspired Okabe to get up and begin working even more on the PhoneWave (name subject to change), all under the supervision of Kurisu to make sure he didn’t mess anything up majorly.

* * *

It was always so … calming to remember things like that. He missed it more than anything, he didn't miss the pressure behind every fun interaction to save Mayuri, although. It was nice looking back but every moment had the creeping thought if they had time for it.

It didn't matter now. He had made his choice and that was to save Mayuri. So long as he kept the thought of Kurisu alive, it'd be enough. His phone buzzed and he checked it was from Maho. He could come in later around noon. He supposed he didn't really need to anymore. But still, he could always appreciate not being locked up in his room on a day off.

He jumped off of the bed and began to walk towards the shower. Maybe, just maybe if he had the ability to save her, he'd take it at any chance. But there was no use in wishing like that. The attractor fields would not allow for it. All he really had were the memories and he figured that was enough. Who knew? Maybe the universe would be kind enough. He highly doubted it but there was always hope. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> alternate ending bc i love /r/steinsgatememes: 
> 
> It didn't matter now. He had made his choice and that was to save Mayuri. So long as he kept the thought of Kurisu alive, it'd be enough. His phone buzzed and he checked it was from Maho. He could come in later around noon. He texted back as joke that he could just talk to Christina to replace her.
> 
> Her reply was simple. 
> 
> "I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you’re referring to as Christina, is in fact, Amadeus, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, Amadeus with the memories of Makise Kurisu. Amadeus is not a person unto itself, but rather another free component of a fully functioning Artificial Intelligence system."


End file.
